Monday, December 12, 2011

How I went to see the Shrink!

This happened a very long time ago, and imagining it still splits me up. I was entrusted with taking a relative to see a psychiatrist. This relative was a very dear fellow but unfortunately undergoing some mental stress which had affected his professional and family life. Previously some attempts had been made to conduct him to a Shrink back in Delhi but that had been unsuccessful as my "relative" had shown some uncanny ability for verbal slaughter which was hitherto unknown.

Anyway, the problem was taking him to see the shrink. I formulated a plan and booked an appointment. An hour before the appointment I asked him to come with me for a drive. We drove around and then I stopped in front of the Psychiatrist's clinic.

Seeing the signboard he got a bit antsy and asked me why are we here and I couldn't think of anything so I said:

"I am under quite a bit of stress and so Dad suggested I meet a shrink and have a session".

Now he tried his level best to dissuade me and I just blasted him saying:
"If you want to come with me then come along otherwise go away. Don't try to discourage me".
That really convinced him that I had a stressful disposition. He likes me too much to go away. Poor sucker!!

A new thought stuck my head and I ran to the reception and asked the receptionist to call my name instead of my "relative" when the doctor was ready other wise the patient might just take off on hearing his own name being called. The receptionist just nodded, and I assumed that maybe it,s not a unusual request. Soon enough my name was called and he came with me to the door. I was at my wit's end as to how to get this bloke in. So acting like a madman I just dragged him in with me.

The Doctor looked at both of us and asked us to sit down. He stared at both of us for a bit playing the guessing game, but finally he asked:

"Ermmm, who is the patient?"

And before I could say a word this guy jumps up and points at me and says:
"This is the patient, I am the attendant!"

I cud have kicked him for that, but all I could do was sit and stare like deer caught in the headlights.

The doctor attentively eyed me with a sympathetic look!!

Doctor: "Whats your name?"

Me: "My name is Babar and his name is X"

The doctor looks at me, puzzled.
Me: "Just note"

Relative: "Why are you giving him my name?"

(glaring at him)
: "Shut up!!"

All this while I was signalling to the doctor towards my relative to tell him that "He" was the real patient and not me. The doctor presumably took this as another symptom of my lunacy and began scribbling something in his notepad feverishly.

And I sighed!!

Doctor: "Age?"

Me: "25 and he's 35"

The Doctor looks at me even more puzzled
Me: "Just note it!"

Relative: .........

The general questions went on with me giving 2 answers for each question. Whatever doubt the doctor had about my precarious mental balance had by now been confirmed. And I was thinking of a way to get out of this mess.

The questions went on and I described all of my relative's symptoms as my own, ofcourse camouflaging them a bit so that it didn't become too obvious.

Now the problem was making the doctor realise that I was not the patient. I suddenly remembered that I had his old prescription from the previous fiasco at the Psychiatrist in Delhi. I took it out silently and told the doctor to look at it. Held it before his eyes and pointed at the name of the patient on that paper. Now the bright young brain of the Doctor showed up some sign of comprehension and I sighed with relief.

The doctor was still talking to me but his attention was on my "relative". After sometime he asked my "relative" to excuse us as he had to ask some private questions with the "patient" (Hahaha).

After he went on we underwent a deep analysis of everything and he gave me some odorless and tasteless liquid to put in his food and report to him on the progress every Saturday.

The effect was miraculous, he's a completely changed man now.

And this is how I marginally escaped the shock treatment and the asylum because of a scrap of paper that incidentally happened to be in my pocket!!